i dream of candlelight again.

the walls scream

containing a hollow ghost i will not name

you smoke across from me,

ash falling from your fingertips

like snapshot of time, canvasing your energy

the scent pouring off you, spilling onto my bedsheets

there is love here

if love can blossom where blood is stained

there is gentleness somewhere

if gentleness can drown my sorrowful solemn despair

and there is him.

always him.

a shadow twined in the marrow of my bones

a hymn plays unforgiving

always too loud to silence

you touch my wrist

a small deliberate thing

as though you know

the beat beneath is a secret

he already memorized

i don’t pull away

i let you try

but the air between us tastes of rot and honeysuckle

of what once was

and what should never have been

“you can let him go” you say

voice soft as a confessional

meant for absolution i cannot take

but i only smile and nod

and attempt to cover my hand that shakes

i see him in the breath of every sound

in every mirror i dare not face

i hear him laugh

in every soft hollow of your throat

and i fight a flinch each time his memory turns into pain

you though

you’re no stranger to this ritual

you have led it through years

to love me,

to love the broken,

is to embrace the taste

of the ghost that broke them

i'm sure you too have come accustomed to the taste of him

on my tongue

and you pretend not to mind

you tell yourself that my sorrow is holy

that to nurse it is to be worthy

but at night when the silence curls,

cold and coiling in your chest

you lay, feigning rest

wondering if you are only floating in the vibration of his song

and not in my arms at all

i tried to pray

but my prayer is just remembering him in a different shape

i say your name

and i feel his answer

i kiss your mouth

and i taste the essence of my yearning

i feel him sometimes

closely

his pale face pressed against the veil

reaching for me the same way

I resist reaching for him

it is tender

it is cruel

it is everything i desire from you

and everything i get from him

and still

i stay

and still

so do you

because what else is out there for us

but to build a life

out of what will never heal

to nurse wounds that will never close

to press our lips against the ache

to call it devotion

to drown in each other’s quiet

and pretend it’s peace

when dawn breaks the fragile night,

i turn away before the light can burn

you watch me silently

pretending that today will be the day this ends

knowing that you have misplaced your bag

that is used to pack your things

somewhere he laughs

and the laugh is love

and his love is endless

and i know it will never allow me rest