Much More Than the Label
Creative Nonfiction by PJ Marshall
“Oh yeah, that’s the gay boy.”
Let’s talk about the gay boy. The gay boy walks around on eggshells every day. He walks the sidewalks in public, the paths on campus, or the halls at school making eye contact with person after person, reading a different message from each pair he meets. A collage of opinions colors the contours of his mind like looking through a kaleidoscope, interpreting only what he can see in a look that only boys like him could receive. A look that denies his existence. One that wonders Will he hit on me? or Why is he looking at me like that? This look holds disapproval any way he receives it, but at least it is silent, unlike the anti-LGBT comments that affect a mass majority of LGBT students. It is puzzling to see a gay person who is so masculine, yet simultaneously off-putting to see one who presents primarily feminine. The gay boy is expected to fit one criterion, even if it is of his choosing. He can pick out one of the few molds fabricated by a common idea of “gay” as long as he lays within it. He is the gay boy.
“Hey, this is my gay best friend!”
How about the gay best friend? He searches everywhere for somebody who loves him for who he is. For someone whose gaze does not scan him like a “gaydar,” but instead comforts the heart within him. It’s relieving to find this feeling in a person, but is the gay best friend truly the best he can be to them? Maybe he’s found his group. The one he can comfortably vent his drama to or talk about his crushes to, one that he feels safe in. Being the gay best friend is an immediate relief from the idea of men that many girls are conditioned to expect. Still, he is so much more than the label he’s introduced with. Today’s culture places the gay best friend on a high pedestal, but he would give anything to be more simply seen as the best friend. Instead, he is the gay best friend.
TW - Profanity
“Yes, this is my son.”
Next, the gay son, whose childhood worries about outside time and finishing his dinner have shifted to that of the love, unconditional or otherwise, of his parents. It’s difficult to predict what a father or mother could say or do to their child when he tells them that he is gay, but to remain their son is often the bare minimum hope, the last resort. When many teen boys are physically threatened or abused by their families upon this revelation, you learn to be grateful for what grace you can find. While gathering his courage to risk his relationship with his parents to be his true self for them, his life flashes before his eyes. What example could he set for his younger sibling by bringing another boy home to hold hands and watch movies on the couch? Will his parents and relatives cry different tears as he walks down the aisle if they are there on his wedding day? How could he stunt the growth of a generationally cherished family tree? Whether they recognize it or not, he is still the gay son.
“Have you come out yet?”
Let’s dive into the boy who came out. For weeks, months, even years he contemplated, wondering, and formulating the what-ifs. Every aspect of his coming out was planned, with every possibility explored like going through a choose your own adventure book. However, he eventually loved himself so much to come out of hiding to be his authentic self. Staring uncertainty in the face, he trumped the doubt and fear residing in every inch of him to let his friends and family know the true him. Some knew too soon. Each “I knew it!” sits on his heart with the same weight as before, invalidating his self-discovery with the assumptive nature of those around him. He shoulders the emotions and desires of all the boys who have yet to come out or those who have yet to find themselves, answering questions and providing guidance, love, and acceptance that they may not find elsewhere. At the same time, however, he opens himself to the lust of the world he’s entered. Seasoned men project their lust onto him while he is still unassuming and privy to becoming one of the all-too-many gay teenage boys who are infected by the impure grasp of sexual abuse, all while becoming the boy who came out.
“If a man practices homosexuality, having sex with another man as with a woman, both men have committed a detestable act. They must both be put to death, for they are guilty of a capital offense.” Leviticus 20:13 NLT
“Being gay is a sin!”
God bless the gay Christian. He was raised a religious boy and welcomed to the Kingdom of God by everybody until he came out. He loves God with every bit of his heart and fully believes in the miracles he performs despite being told he could never go to Heaven the way that he was. Those Christians will never see the nights spent praying not to be the way that he is, wondering why God would bring him to this earth if only to condemn him. He goes to church on Sundays and reads his Bible. He takes communion and asks for forgiveness, but this sin is simply too great. He wants to believe God loves him back and made him this way on purpose but finding that love among the voices of seemingly Godly people protesting that His love does not reach him is draining. Still, he is proudly the gay Christian.
“This is my partner!”
Uniquely, the gay boyfriend. He loves his partner with all his heart, but only when they’re alone. In a desperate search for true love, he reaches for those he can find. He sacrifices himself and his joy for a boy who hasn’t come out yet, he sacrifices his body for one who has confused lust and love, and he sacrifices truth to impress somebody older than him. Regardless of who he loves, he can never do it in public. The potential stares and words would pierce through their holding hands like nails hanging them to display as a public disgrace. His chances for love are much lower, and his options are more limited, but his heart and intentions are pure for the right one to find the gay boyfriend.
I’m so proud of myself.
The gay boy is a blanket term. Encompassing every bit of him is difficult, funneling so many aspects into one over-arcing phrase or title does not quite do justice to who he truly is. He is a boy who first overcame himself. Who dared to explore himself, failed in doing so, and fell to great depths just to pick himself back up through perseverance and pride. He then put himself to the world for the love of himself and those around him so that they may know the most authentic person that he could be. Some may have condemned him, some may have wronged him or left him, but those who stayed give him love like nothing he’s ever felt. There will still be hardships and obstacles to face, but the strength, love, and courage inside of him are remarkable and will lift him to a life of relief and joy. He is the gay boy, for better or for worse, and he is proud to be.
Works Cited
Heartstopper: Volume 1. Graphix, 2020.
Oseman, Alice, and Melisa Corbetto. Heartstopper. VRYA, 2021.
Oseman, Alice, and Vanessa Walder. Heartstopper: Volume 2. Loewe Graphix, 2022.
Oseman, Alice. Heartstopper Volume 3. Hachette UK Distribution, 2023.
“LGBT Youth Stats and Statistics.” Oregon Judicial Department, 2013, www.courts.oregon.gov/programs/crb/training/Training%20Center/W11.YouthRiskFactors HO.pdf.
Saewyc, Elizabeth M, et al. “Hazards of Stigma: The Sexual and Physical Abuse of Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Adolescents in the United States and Canada.” JStor, 2006, www.jstor.org/stable/45398761?read-now=1&seq=10#page_scan_tab_contents.
The Bible, New Living Translation
Waters, Mark, director. Mean Girls. Paramount Home Entertainment, 2005.